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maura quint
@behindyourback
My favorite Christmas carol is the one where they blame the weather for their social anxiety and just stay home.
Kristen Drum
@kristendrum
do all your christmas shopping stoned so you're also surprised when they open your gifts
Tommytoughstuff
@Tommytoughstuff
SON: Dad, I'm gay. DAD: "Okay." SON: I also don't think Die Hard is a Christmas movie. DAD: "Get out of my house!"
Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash
@mynameisntdave
'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the zoo Every creature was stirring It was a zoo.
mike ginn
@shutupmikeginn
The older you get the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder
Brian M. M. Doyle
@WritePlay
*Santa's Google search* cheap labor cheap labor not kids magic cheap labor elf for sale bulk labor laws by country north pole group travel
paperwash©
@PaperWash
Scrooge: [evil his entire life] Everyone: you're an asshole Scrooge: please forgive me Everyone: ok Scrooge: Christmas Everyone: Christmas
Jeffrey Hadz
@Hadzilla
8 maids a milking is probably the only day of Christmas I can jack off to
Josh
@iwearaonesie
How much longer? Did you bring any snacks? They want $5 for M&M's! I wanna go home Is it over yet? - me watching my kids Christmas pageant
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