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neff ?️
@neff_goldblum
Ed Harris punching James Cameron in the face for filming him almost drown is my kink, don’t @ me.
Conan O'Brien
@ConanOBrien
Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth.
YEOLO™
@tzehern_
forgot to check out of SafeEntry and now the government thinks i've been at don don donki for 17 days
Boog
@bewgtweets
I call my nipples The Godfather because no one is interested in seeing the third one
nina
@kwochi1
im always intrigued by close friends stories...who not allowed to see u grilling zucchini
sarah schauer ?
@sarahschauer
a baby’s skull is malleable and i absolutely hate my parents for not squeezing me a better jawline
Mitten d'Amour
@MittenDAmour
Parks are weird, aren’t they? A gym, a children’s birthday party venue, a romantic date location, all in a giant fucking dog toilet.
Ron Iver
@ronnui_
Women get to smell like real things (vanilla, lavender) but men have to smell like concepts. What the fuck is "cool sport rush"
Dr. Bucky Isotope, astrophysicist, rocket expert
@BuckyIsotope
The saddest thing about the Old MacDonald song is when you realize it’s all in past tense because he’s dead
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