Latest tweets

I call my nipples The Godfather because no one is interested in seeing the third one

im always intrigued by close friends stories...who not allowed to see u grilling zucchini

a baby’s skull is malleable and i absolutely hate my parents for not squeezing me a better jawline

No one wants to see you do that Tik-Tok dance.

Parks are weird, aren’t they? A gym, a children’s birthday party venue, a romantic date location, all in a giant fucking dog toilet.

PLANTS: imma wave my genitals in the air HUMANS: mmm fragrant

Women get to smell like real things (vanilla, lavender) but men have to smell like concepts. What the fuck is "cool sport rush"

The saddest thing about the Old MacDonald song is when you realize it’s all in past tense because he’s dead

me: [headbanging to the radio] my barber: fuckin stop it

The claps in the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. song should have been screams

landlords imply the existence of sealords, and most terrifying of all - airlords

If you only see 2-3 crows together that’s an attempted murder.

accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm

Joaquin is just quinoa pronounced in reverse

if you're having a rough time, just remember: god gives his hardest battles to the people he just doesn't like very much

Just got asked to autograph a breast. My wife was nearby, so I told him “no.”