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Elizabeth Hackett
@LizHackett
If I don't see two minivans lock reindeer antlers for a Target parking space, what are the holidays even about?
Marin Hubka
@marinhubka
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?" "I love it!" --board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year's Eve
August J. Pollak
@AugustJPollak
My cat forgets what a Christmas tree is every year and it's wonderful
Kalvin
@KalvinMacleod
Being a good husband is realizing that all the free time you used to have is now owned by anyone who invites your wife to a holiday party.
Brandon the Cow
@Brampersandon_
Things I enjoy once a year - Christmas - My birthday - Vacation - the Super Bowl - Sex (some years)
Sean Leahy
@thepunningman
Me: [covered in ketchup] Santa Sauce is coming to town Wife: Stop M: Happy Hollandaise W: I'm leaving M: …and mayo your Christmases be white
steve suckington
@SteveSuckington
[Christmas party] "Ok let's open presents starting youngest to oldest" Grandpa: this is bullshit! Vampire: dude, seriously?
FartPowder
@fartpowder
On the worst day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Grown Ups 2 on 3D TV
Rachel Lichtman
@rachelichtman
[searches 'Chanukah'] Did you mean Hanukah? I DON'T KNOW, GOOGLE. NO ONE DOES.
??Frank Whítehouse ??
@WheelTod
I don't believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it's strictly for pleasure.
Julia Yorks
@juliayorks
All I want for Christmas is for someone to pay off my debilitating student loans...but I guess this mug is good too, thanks.
rob fee
@robfee
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone: 3. Never punish Buzz 2. Forget one of their kids 1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
summer goth ?
@NicCageMatch
Little known fact: literally every spelling of Hannukah is correct. Channukah? Hannhooka? Chewbacca? Channing Tatum? All fine.
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