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Sean Leahy
@thepunningman
Me: [covered in ketchup] Santa Sauce is coming to town Wife: Stop M: Happy Hollandaise W: I'm leaving M: …and mayo your Christmases be white
steve suckington
@SteveSuckington
[Christmas party] "Ok let's open presents starting youngest to oldest" Grandpa: this is bullshit! Vampire: dude, seriously?
FartPowder
@fartpowder
On the worst day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Grown Ups 2 on 3D TV
Rachel Lichtman
@rachelichtman
[searches 'Chanukah'] Did you mean Hanukah? I DON'T KNOW, GOOGLE. NO ONE DOES.
??Frank Whítehouse ??
@WheelTod
I don't believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it's strictly for pleasure.
Julia Yorks
@juliayorks
All I want for Christmas is for someone to pay off my debilitating student loans...but I guess this mug is good too, thanks.
rob fee
@robfee
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone: 3. Never punish Buzz 2. Forget one of their kids 1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
summer goth ?
@NicCageMatch
Little known fact: literally every spelling of Hannukah is correct. Channukah? Hannhooka? Chewbacca? Channing Tatum? All fine.
maura quint
@behindyourback
My favorite Christmas carol is the one where they blame the weather for their social anxiety and just stay home.
Kristen Drum
@kristendrum
do all your christmas shopping stoned so you're also surprised when they open your gifts
Tommytoughstuff
@Tommytoughstuff
SON: Dad, I'm gay. DAD: "Okay." SON: I also don't think Die Hard is a Christmas movie. DAD: "Get out of my house!"
Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash
@mynameisntdave
'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the zoo Every creature was stirring It was a zoo.
mike ginn
@shutupmikeginn
The older you get the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder
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