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Ron Iver
@ronnui_
Women get to smell like real things (vanilla, lavender) but men have to smell like concepts. What the fuck is "cool sport rush"
Dr. Bucky Isotope, astrophysicist, rocket expert
@BuckyIsotope
The saddest thing about the Old MacDonald song is when you realize it’s all in past tense because he’s dead
Fred Delicious ?
@Fred_Delicious
landlords imply the existence of sealords, and most terrifying of all - airlords
Arby’s Provocateur
@SamGrittner
If you only see 2-3 crows together that’s an attempted murder.
andrew
@AndrewChamings
accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm
shen the bird
@Shen_the_Bird
if you're having a rough time, just remember: god gives his hardest battles to the people he just doesn't like very much
Conan O'Brien
@ConanOBrien
Just got asked to autograph a breast. My wife was nearby, so I told him “no.”
k e i t h ??
@KeetPotato
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] "so what do you do for a living?" barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Eddy Elfenbein
@EddyElfenbein
To the guy who stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy now.
Unrated No Check Bob Lesh
@Bob_Lesh
They warned me not to hide that engagement ring in her burrito. But on the bright side, the retrieval process should be swift.
KruseKontrol
@RCKruseKontrol
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube. It was horrible. My model plane kept slipping apart
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